But when I found out he had ended it hours earlier. He is seeing how will HIS life work b/c he has not only damaged his relationship with you BUT now he has damaged all the in-law relationships too. And, Satori, theyll drag up crap that was insignificant from years ago and try to use it as another rationalization that they arent happy or you did something to hurt them. Matter of fact about a year and a half prior I got so mad one Sunday because he was playing lots of golf and taking way too much time playing it plus working so much. Im new to this forum so just getting familiar with a lot of the regulars. And that is a horrible thing to experience. Overall good, possibly life saving. Puzzled, TryingHard, ShiftingImpressions. Hes acting selfish and childish because hes been exposed. And I was still on that roller coaster ride. Very good read. He was hoping the MC would talk sense into me and facilitate an amicable divorce. Let them. If that isnt the Lord speaking to you I dont know what it. It is hard for you b/c OW is far away but She clearly has control over him. You must keep him safe until he becomes of age. I have one and made it a condition of staying to Work on R. My therapist never said anything specific to get us to R or make me want to R. It was my choice b/c I loved him and he was a great father and even during the A he waffled back and forth. Its maddening! Could be 100% the A or other factors. OMG. Keep breathing and KNOW you got this. I was done. How sad for him. In terms of self protection, Im firstly removing myself for a few days on the retreat. and are defeated, remember Me, I am with you. Hugs sister, Thanks Doug, Satori, Trying Hard and the TFW. It almost made me laugh when I realised the script was playing out as the script that you said. It was like that for me after my H got back from his trip where he began the PA. My MIL, who is the only family member who knows of my wifes EA, told me during a talk about the affair that my wife was like a caged bird; she just needs to fly. So, let me get this straight: I should be treated like shit by his son because Im intelligent, and, because of this higher brain function it somehow logically follows Ill be fine to walk away from my business, my M, my house and everything I have worked for and now just go and get a job??? But I hope I make it for the sheer exhaustion of it. This argument of asking for a call went on 15 years until I finally stopped trying. ???????? The visualization technique is effective in this case. In following Satoris thread her H was a good guy for many many years. No, affairs can and do happen at any age. I think puzzled perhaps mentioning it taking over a year before his W said she wanted him. They work in societally-approved professions and are successful at what they do: business, church, medical field, law. If your body starts to fall apart, your mind will quickly follow. She is a classic gold digger, super manipulative. It is his oen family. Theyre all bull shit. Be strong, be confident, be in control. Meanwhile I thought I was going into adrenaline overload. You have time and he is to scared to do it first. But the OW explains the personality change too. He is sitting on his hands a lot atm waiting for me to make the moves, which is why I havent made any LOL. Is this correct? Lawyer is going to first level early next week. People just fall out of love. This is a bigger decision than saying yes when your husband proposed. Wilbanks repeated the false claims that fell apart under FBI interrogation resulting in a felony indictment of providing false information to law enforcement, a charge that could have resulted in up to five years of imprisonment. Especially if you have no idea if he will continue to support you in the next months. I may well have been in denial and trying to make things ok but the dishonesty is 100% on him. I couldnt work it out at the time, but now it makes sense. Such is the price of dishonesty had he come to me and said he was unhappy Id be much more amenable to a different process and a different financial outcome. A lot ensued during that trip A LOT enough so that on my drive home is when my anger came like a volcano. He is the Jason Bourne on my team, Theyll never see him coming. Thought it might be doable. No one could explain what your H did. It would add dimensions of pain. Thank you TheFirstWife! Now, she will salute and honor the man who can make her get married. Try taking some Melatonin and a hot cup of tea. Satori. Holy hell, they fly up in my face! I also cried my eyeballs out every.damn.day. Never again. He figured out I can be his best friend or his worst enemy. She was too far gone. Lots of plants get colorful foliage. Repeat my exwife was the one that ran away from me and our son. This is getting exciting. Further I dont believe she was directing her comment to anyone but me. Whether the OW is still in the picture or not. You have done more for me than you realize. Runaway Bride r en amerikansk romantisk komedi frn 1999 med Julia Roberts och Richard Gere i huvudrollerna. Quite a few women get cold feet on their way to the altar. And that, maybe, people do just grow apart. You NEVER hear of a woman being accused of an MLC. After he got off plane, (trip where he met OW) he came back with a malaria type illness. LOL.). If OW is still in the picture then he is clearly thinking of his financial consequences mostly. It was disingenuously disruptive, Others look at their life and say its been great but I want to accomplish this or this or that. And after a month I got a lot of lies, empty promises, manipulation for about another 3 months. Although a woman by her very nature is called to motherhood. I wish I could email your post to my H. Makes SO much sense. They drift slowly away from shore, the fog gets thicker as they drift farther away, and then they have no idea which way the shore is and how to get back. Im glad you are here. But the memories of the things she said and how she treated me are hard to forget. They both made poor choices.but at the end of the day.she is my daughter. Its important to stay focused. And I had been in that seesaw or roller coaster for the past 6 months. It was pretty smooth sailing most of the time (or so I thought). If you can just find one or two people that are there for you, it can make all the difference. They have to make their own choices but they also have to live with the consequences of those choices. In the case of a third party entering that space, that new party becomes who they are truly in relationship with, (ie the OW) and as that individual has no integrity, no moral compass, is ok with deception, is avaricious, predatory and has no empathy, now that H is actually in relationship with this new person, they bring out the equivalent in him. Regarding MLC my therapist described the recognized pattern for me. Help me. I filed for divorce under adultery. I recently told him that the A was one piece of the pain but kicking me to the curb (practically) is a pain even worse and deeper. Good kids, pretty house, good marriage: an affair in our relationship? STOP DOING THAT. Did not soften him one bit. His game wasnt working. Rest up for your return and as I always tell you, You Got This!!! You are gorgeous ShiftingImps. It is hard to watch your H have one foot out the door but as we know now, we are powerless to stop it. After all the uncertainty, I deserve for it to happen with no more crap and excuses. If you want to keep waiting on the Lord that is your choice. Cry and vent and get through your grief. It is all a bunch of lies and justifications. You cant make him understand anything at this point in time. It felt manipulative and not genuine. Already had an experience of the bizarrely termed hysterical bonding. He is counting on knowing your next move and the more contact and dialogue you have, the more he knows what you are thinking. BSA, I acknowledge and respect your complaint and respect your opinions and your perspectives. Your post is on point. OW is driving everything, I can feel it. What is Walkaway wife Syndrome? He knew because HIS lawyer confirmed MY lawyer was like a rabid dog!! Its natural. Thank you Puzzled for tuning in. One should def NOT take comfort and think they can work from the point that their spouses cheating is an MLC. I wish there some magic words that we could give you. Even if once in a while the cheaters need to be reminded of those boundaries. Im like: the whole point of being married is so you DONT HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE!!!. LOL. Geez now thats a relationship to hang onto!!! Hell why didnt I just grab a bottle of wine and a gun while I was at it??? I encourage everyone to vent their feelings about their situations all they want and in whatever way they choose. and its almost impossible for you to do. The enabling PILs are doing everything for my H. Its like he has become a teenager again and they are going into full clean up and impression management mode. This is wrong thinking. I was being supportive during the entire A. Thanks TFW! It was her decision, every day for who knows how long, to continue her cheating and lying to me. What a fool. No one left me alone for a week after that. You get very smart about yourself and people. I look forward to laughing about it one day but now its a hell I have to keep going through. It is scary but God will give you the strength and courage. No. Thanks Satori So he faced it and owned up to it and admitted his mistakes. I apparently spend too much. Some laughter. In some places in the world, this penalty (very wrongly and cruelly) still stands. Finally, I just said screw it and started living my life. Do the best you can to take care of you. I cant tell you how many times I asked myself why are you doing this to yourself! Whether Im on a remote beach or not, Ill be ready ???? I couldnt sleep for weeks after d-day. Cue major insights in the pre dawn hours! There were no real clues beforehand. So I called him on it. Your H seems similar to mine (with the affair taken way underground after DDay1) but my H is a lot more avoidant in the sense that he refused to do any MC or therapy at all. Thanks for being there and your feedback for my posts is always appreciated. Im still considering that as an option, just wanted to see how the next week plays out and if she is still in touch with my H. You cant Whatsapp your way out of the federal court system here! Think I got my posts mixed in my reply below. She didnt admit to it. Thanks for checking in. You are so right regarding the whole Responsibility and Personal Accountability vs Secrecy and Lies in society. It was a choice he made a poor one and he got caught up in the emotional side and it overtook him. My MIls response? He stopped being a goofy, fun, talkative, physically affectionate and loving man into a monster. Your h, and mine and everyone elses, cheated because they wanted to, they could, they believed they deserved it, they believed wed never find out etc. And he did many many things to try and jump start R. But the most important one was when he got an email from her and showed me within 5 minutes of getting it. Since my circle of trust is so small he has no info about me at all, so he is coming over to take the temperature. God works in the most mysterious of ways and God knew music is very healing for me. I can totally believe that the betrayal by your H was worse than losing your parents. I was kind and compassionate and forgiving. It sucks. Im long over the affair. Im a sailing widow lol. You are handling this quite well given you are battling on all fronts / business, M and finances. The All Time Classic aka The All Purpose Faux Confessional Cheaters Hall Pass: My SIL with whom he lived was my strongest ally. No one can dictate how you should feel. And not everyone is capable of such a daily feat. and now the rose colored glasses are off. Just live right now and just be yourself. I am paranoid and feel unsafe with everyone. The hydrangea Runaway Bride has received accolades as the plant of the year for 2018 at the RHS Flower Show. I dont regret one thing I did except not getting bad ass sooner but it all takes time because honestly I was in shock for a good 6 weeks. Your groom is probably. At some point in time they completely checked out of their marriages and yet pretended they were engaged in the marriages. I need it all! You know? Mine seems to be digging a hole to China! Not because I love to strip wall paper but because it takes no special skill set to strip wallpaper and its just dumb labor. My way worked for me. I just want to move on.dont they all use that one. At the time, he was my best friend. I still wanted to kill him and trust me Ive used that line a few times just for the fun of it! Youll take 3 steps forward and four steps back at times. Its so clearly involuntary and whenever I even suggest to him I am trying to get inside his head he gets so annoyed as if he doesnt want me to go there, probably because HE doesnt want to go there himself. What being faithful ultimately means is accepting that things may not always go your way or could be difficult but it is of staying the course regardless, having hope in a glorious outcome because you endured, because you didnt give in. I didnt take the expensive jackets or suits. They need someone to fuel their rationalization for cheating and lying. She would just smile and listen. However, as the wedding day draws closer and closer, their hesitations become greater and more urgent. It would be good to try and relax like we used to before this insanity began. I am supported by very loving family members who call me daily even though some live in other countries. It is just a part of life and I must learn to accept this. It was like dealing with a seven year old. Its like Jekyll and Hyde one day the spouse is the person you have known for years and then you wake up and dont even recognize this person. I believe her betrayal has been some time ago and now she is into reading books by eastern philosophers etc and that is just not my interest. They reconciled but divorced 4 years later after they had a child. Do you think it is too soon for this or will it shock him into comprehension of what is at stake? Once I do, it will be madness. The last thing is that YOU have to stop trying to get her to communicate and be an adult. I have figured out people dont appreciate it. Beautiful bride wearing a white wedding dress running away alone. For me the strength does not come until I am further down the road in the grieving process and then we look back and see our strength that we actually got through it. When he refused to go to MC that was pre-DDay1. I covered the windows in my garage doors with newspaper! And I guess thats why we are able to drive each other up the wall in the same way. I should have gone hardcore straight out of the gate (NC and legal) and I feel I may have had a better chance to turn this around. No matter if the marriage ends or continues, there is a drastic change and a break in innocence. Stay strong, stay positive and look good for this. He wants out? I wanted that shit to just go away. Update: Angry. Sure enough it came out. Lol. What he did was cruel. They are all very shocked by my H. No one can believe how he is acting out. Well I knew a little bit about addiction as far as alcohol and drugs and what happened there. That said, weve never censored anyone on this site and were not about to. But since your divorce is long from being final for now hes still the enemy and thats ok. Do things on your timeline not anyone elses. Now had my h tried to enter into some new business venture during that shit storm Id have said nothing. Then make a few payments. I try to find some humor in life wherever I can. I know because one of her family members told me. And chickens are coming home to roost ie consequences are beginning to sink in. This is how my friend got rid of his ex-wife. This emboldens him and OW is now waging a kind of proxy war of revenge on me since my one and only text to her in the early days post Dday1 telling her to stay away. I guess I focus more on the message. My father contracted covid and was in the ICU on a ventilator fighting for his life. Or, Satori looks like she is ok without me etc so the interest is only ego-based. Ito ay naiugnay sa isang balisa at kahina-hinala na character, kapag siya (siya), dahil sa personal at panlipunang mga kadahilanan, ay natatakot na magpakasal. Rollercoaster ride is the perfect example of life during this time. Im shattered. I never really embraced my faith but am grateful my parents planted the seed in me. I went to my good friends house during that time and her dumb ass husband looked at me and said hey nothing lasts forever! WHAT??? Let's take a closer look at this: If a woman really loves, all doubts about her beloved should not worry her. But I told him I now did not want to R and have accepted we will not make it, but that now we still need to get some framework around the deconstruction of the situation. That could be tricky. I have never felt like any contributor forced a decision on me and I hope everyone here feels supported. The power is with you. Other times I wonder if I was projecting all my own values onto him. As opposed to the original statement (to TFW: here are the words not the actions!!) I was so unhappy crap that has been keeping me awake. I am calling this post The Runaway Spouse Syndrome because this is not necessarily a gender-specific phenomenon. And yes, you are so right: all the real human angels are here on this site. Which he did!! That is just me. Just fearful. I told you that night I was getting dressed up to go out and LIVE IT UP!! needs to explain to me why they dont matter. Id go for runs just to get far enough away from town to scream and cuss like a madman. Now you can sit and wait a couple more weeks tho see if he wakes up or you go balls to the wall legally. At this point so much has happened on top of the A. Its a complicated layer cake now. She said yes she does. Certain if he saw me there he wouldnt come in. I only got red flags when I was around her at the office. We were young (about 20), but still. However, that is highly doubtful since neither of them found it wrong to poach a spouse with a child who has special needs. All she had to do was make it to mid-November, and then her fate would be sealed. Im glad you are keeping your circle small. Only jerks cheat on and leave their wives. You can have everything.. You have enough on your plate without wasting your precious energy on them at the moment. Does it mean your marriage is over? Lawyer or no lawyer, too many cheaters come crawling back or swear up and down they want the M while the A stops and then resumes OR the A never stops at all. H does not sound like hes having any epiphanies of what a royal screw up he is and hes surely not going to let you point it out to him. My wife put me through hell for over a year of non-committal answers, resentment, ignoring me, meanness (I could keep adding things but you get the idea) and gas lighting/refusal to talk about her affair. But maybe not thinking about H at all is a better approach! The decision that I made worked for me but it wasnt the approach that most probably have taken. Puzzled She didnt force her beliefs on me but we were both on the same page Spiritually. As I do with others who comment on the site. There was a purity before the affair. We were respectful to each other and supportive. And the ugly sense of entitlement. I may have a chance to stay in my M. But these people are all consumed in self interest and they are not giving H sane positive rational advice. But also at least you might have gained a sense of closure. Our kids are a lot more savvy than she thinks. I dont understand his swinging between utter sad sausage lack of confidence to a puffed out peacock crazy braggart. You lose that, you lose everything. I just hope Satori that you can just take baby steps towards healing yourself. So I was in a weakened moment and decided he had one month (my own internal timeline) to turn this around. Now, it's happening more so among women, for whom traditional definitions of marital roles are changing. Its always the irony of a vacay that it is lots of work to get away and lots more to come back! He may be angry at you b/c you are standing in the way of his true love. Oh hell no!! That incenses me. The grieving process is hard and difficult. Your marriage, as you knew it, is over. 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